This is hilarious! It was in an email my husband sent me today! Enjoy!
The Tazer Experiment
Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife, Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized tazer.
The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...?? WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and
pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on
the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I
sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must
admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.
But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself
against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as
advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank
top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than A3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dumbass,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and .. . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!
I'm pretty sureJessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one
note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered conservative?
IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it
originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still
twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my
bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!
P.S. My wife, who can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!
I'm here! I know, I know! I have been MIA! BUT, I have been sticking to the plan. I am still working hard a on ME. I am taking the weekends off. We have been making a point to eat at home every night. Last night we went out to get a sno-cone. Much to our surprise, they weren't what we had hoped for=(, but now we know and we will be making ours at home from now one. Our littlest guys is WALKING!!! YAAAAY & bittersweet for me! How in the world did he get so big so fast?!?!
Today, I have drank my shake for lunch. SO that was my nice for the day! I will be back tomorrow~!
As I set here fighting a 1 yr old for the keyboard typing, I have to be honest. I am not feeling up to a challenge today. BUT, I must push on. I have yet to shower today. I know that sounds alot worse than it is. I just I put baby T down for a nap & did not want to chance waking him up with a shower. I am about to drop my pre-k'er off for school, than I will have 2 whole hours to myself (if you can call it that with a 1 yr old!) Today what in the world can I do for myself! Hummmmmmmmmmmm......... I think I my dig out some of my sewing stuff and mess with it. I has been almost a year (YIKES)! I love to sew, but I make excuses as to why I don't have time. So, I think I may make time today! That is if baby T will let me! Oh, and IF I get to shower I will put on make-up, MAYBE! =)
So, I thought about this alot in the last 24 hours. I have thought about ways to improve my self image and here is what I have came up with..... I am going to challenge myself to do something nice for myself each day. Something that I would not normally do. Something that makes me feel better. Today I took my shower and ....... Wait for it, wait for it........ Put make-up on for NO REASON AT ALL! I was going to walk Gus to school today, but the schwans man showed up. I have only had 1 Dr. Pepper today. I usually have too many to count two! I ate a salad for lunch, followed by a banana. And then cause I am doing something nice for myself. I had a small bowl bit of ice cream with Heath bar in it. And let me tell you, that was WONDERFUL. I have also decided to drink a large glass of water & if you know me at all, you know that I don't drink that much water. Now, on to my clothes.... I will very soon, be going through my clothes. Anyone need some clothes! My shoe supply will be gone through as well. My theory is this: If I have a closet full of clothes and shoes that I don't wear, what is the point of keeping them. My dream is to be able to look into my closet and know that I can wear anything in there. I will be getting new clothes soon, they maybe from Wal-mart, but they will be new. I don't have the heart to part with my PJ pants. I really don't see that happening anytime soon. I love to wear them in the evening..So today the 1st day of my challenge, I have made a baby step in the right direction. I will be back tomorrow with another self challenge.... Thanks for listening!
Well, I have drawn a line in the sand! A line that can't be crossed! A line that needed to be drawn a long time ago. I realized today what a mess I have become. I think my best friend(you know who you are) said it best when she said, "When my family goes out into public, My husband & children looks nice, and I look like some hobo they found on the way to the store!" That is EXACTLY how I feel! I do not fix my hair anymore. I do not put make-up on, unless I'm going to church. Lets be honest, I may not even get a shower each day. I don't get "dressed" in the mornings. My clothes usually include a T-shirt and Pajama pants. I think to myself, what is the point of getting "real" clothes? As a result I have very few things I can actually wear, but a clothes full of clothes that don't fit. What is the point of having a closet of clothes that don't fit? I have always been a person that doesn't really care what people thought of me. As long as my husband & my kids love me, who care what others think. Well, I am starting to realize that my appearance is reflecting on my family. I DO NOT want people to make judgements on my children, just cause of my appearance. I used to think that wasn't true, but lets be honest. I know that if I see a person that takes pride in their appearance, they always seem more confidence. So, thus my theory if you could call it that, is if you take more pride in your appearance, maybe you will take better care of yourself. And in turn take better care of the people you love. I don't know about your house, but here the saying " if momma isn't happy, no one is!" I have to find some way to get in a better place with myself. I will be back tomorrow with some kind of challenge for myself, so stay tuned.......This will, if nothing else, prove to be entertaining!